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Dazed & Confused
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Discussion Starter #1
Really don't need to explain this one. Here are a couple to start. Feel free to join in.

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
 

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Two fish are swimming downstream. One swims into a wall. The other fish looks at him and says "dam!"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here".

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to weigh 300 lbs to get the automatic doors to open now.

I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger, and then it hit me!

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
 

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A horse walked into the bar, and the bartender asks "hey buddy, why the long face?"

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister all walk into a bar, and the bartender takes one look at them and says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

A string wants to drink at a bar but theres a sign that reads "No Strings Allowed" so he twists himself up and messes up his "hair" and walks in... the bartender sees him comming and starts getting angry... the string goes "I'll have a beer thanks" and the bartender says "Aint you a string?" and the string says "frayed knot"
 

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More Than Just A Car
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Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asked the second atom.
The first atom replied, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

3 women are about to be executed. one is blonde, another is brunette, and the last is a redhead.guard brings to bunette forward and the killer askes if she has any last requests. she says no and the killer yells "READY!AIM!" and then the brunette yells "EARTH QUAKE" everyone runs for cover while she escapes. Then the guard brings the Redhead forward and the killer asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the killer yells"READY!AIM!" and the rehead yells"TORNADO." Everyone ducks and runs for cover while she escapes. Now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings the blonde forward and the killer asks if she has any last requests. She says no so the killer shouts "READY!AIM!" and the blonde yells"FIRE!"
 

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1. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


2.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


3.Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
 

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Dazed & Confused
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Discussion Starter #10
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
 

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First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!" :gy:
 

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Dazed & Confused
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Discussion Starter #13
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
 

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Do you know how to make a handkerchief dance?

Put a little boogie in it.
 

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More Than Just A Car
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....


An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
 

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him says "That's amazing. That frog sings so beautifully. I'll give you $100,000.00 for him.
"Sorry," the man replies, "the frog's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
 

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Dazed & Confused
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Discussion Starter #18
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.

"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
 

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A salesman's car breaks down in the middle of the night during worst rain storm in 20 years. He decides to walk to the nearest farm house he can see. He knocks on the door and the old farmer appears.

"Can you put me up for the night?" asks the salesman.
"Yes, but I only have one bed available, and you'll have to share it with my 19 year old son."
"Wait a minute," says the salesman, "This is the wrong joke.":shakehead:
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Once upon a time in a far off land in darkest Africa there lived an evil king;
his name, we are told, was King Mtombi. He had a mighty army, but
he was not satisfied. All day long he sat on his throne, wondering if
his neighboring kings had more handsome thrones than he did.

Then he hit upon his evil plan. He built a large grass hut, attached to
his own enormous grass palace, and every night he would send his
marauding troops to a neighboring kingdom to steal the king's throne.
King Mtombi's invading marauding army would chase the frightened
citizens away, attack the king and whatever guards he had, and then
steal the king's throne. They would bring the throne back to King
Mtombi, and then he stowed each stolen throne in his new grass hut.
Eventually, he had stowed ten stolen thrones in his hut.

But then disaster struck. There was a thunder storm, and the lightning
set the grass hut ablaze, and all the stolen thrones were destroyed in
the fire. Worse still, because the new hut was attached to the palace,
the entire palace was burned down and King Mtombi's own throne was also
destroyed.

And the moral of this story is ......


People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
 
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