Two friends were arguing in a bar one day. Harvey, the first guy, was bragging how he knew everybody. He knew everyone, and everyone knew him. There wasn't a person that he hadn't met.
Bob, even though he was his good friend, didn't believe him. "Harvey, you can't know everyone." He said. "I bet you don't know the Mayor."
Harvey said, "Sure I do." He pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number. After a moment he said, "Hi, this is Harvey. Could you tell my friend Bob here who you are?"
He hands the phone to Bob. The voice on the phone was unmistakably the Mayor, who said to Bob, "How's my old friend Harvey treating you?" Bob was taken aback. He talked to the Mayor for a few moments before he handed the phone back.
"OK, you win that one. But I bet you don't know the President!" he challenged.
Harvey smiled and dragged his friend out to the car. "We're going to DC." He said.
A few hours later, they pull up to the White House. The security guys immediately recognized Harvey and let him through. Just then, the President came out of the front door walking his dog. Harvey leaned out the window and waved. Then, to Bob's chagrin, the President walked right over to the car and talked with Harvey for a good fifteen minutes.
Bob was starting to get a little perturbed. He figured that maybe Harvey only knew people in the US. So he said, "I bet that you don't know the Pope...."
Harvey just grinned and drove to the airport. The next day, they were standing outside the Pope's residence. Harvey didn't think that he'd be able to get Bob in, since the security was so tight. But Bob agreed that if he saw the Pope and Harvey together in the Pope's window, then he would admit that Harvey knew everyone.
A short while later, Harvey walked out onto the balcony, arm in arm with the Pope. The Pope waved to the screaming crowds in the street. Harvey looked down into the crowd, trying to find Bob. To his shock he saw his friend collapsed in an unconsious heap on the ground. He quickly rushed down to see what had happened to his friend.
"Bob, Bob!" Harvey shook his friend. "Are you ok?? What happened??"
"Yeah. I'm OK." he replied. "But that was quite a shock."
"What? When you saw me up there with the Pope?" Harvey asked.
"No," said Bob. "When the guy next to me in the crowd said, "Hey, who's that guy up there with Harvey?""
Fred: So you see, the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
If I had 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have ah... $6.13
After all these years, I still remember what my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey Johnny, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A woman spent 25 years of her life as a "Lady of the Evening." She got tired of the business and retired with a substantial amount of money and decided to go to college. She majored in Anthropology and in her later years decided to write a book including all her life experiences. It was titled, "The Horticulturalist"
There once was a sailor returning to his ship. Just as he approached the edge of the dock, he slipped and fell into the water between ship and dockside. As he hit the water, the ship began to swing toward the harbor wall, and he would have been crushed to death had not a little man, with great presence of mind, thrown a rope and hauled him to safety.
“Whew, thanks!” said the sailor. “You saved my life. Tell me, is there anything I can do for you in return?”
“Well actually,” said the man, “there is something. I’d dearly like to work aboard ship and, in fact, I was just on my way to look for a job when I saw you in the water. If you could put in a word for me, I’d be greatly obliged.”
“Done!” said the sailor. He took the little man on board and tracked down his immediate superior. “This man saved my life just now, and he really would very much like to have a job on the ship.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the Petty Officer. “We have a full ship’s complement, but I’ll certainly put in a word on his behalf to my superior.What does he do?”
“I’m a Gloop Maker,” said the little man eagerly.
Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the Petty Officer didn’t like to ask what exactly a Gloop Maker was, so he went to see the Chief Petty Officer.
“This man saved the life of one of my seamen,” he told the Chief. “Do you think we could find him a job aboard? He’s a Gloop Maker.”
Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the Chief asked the Warrant Officer, who asked the Sub-Lieutenant and so on, all the way through the chain of command until the request reached the Captain. After congratulating the little man, the Captain, not wanting to appear ignorant, named him ship’s Gloop Maker and ordered the Supply Officer to provide whatever materials were necessary for work to commence.
The little man asked for a strong block and tackle fitted up on the afterdeck, a small stool, a hammer and chisel, a portable furnace, a lump of iron measuring four meters by four meters, several kilograms of copper and several more of silver.
As the ship sailed, the little man set his stool alongside the huge chunk of iron, lit the furnace and began to melt down the copper and silver. Then, with much hammering and chiseling, he began to add blobs of copper and curlicues of silver to the sides of the lump of iron.
Each day crewmembers stopped and stared at the wondrously strange thing taking shape at the ship’s stern. But not wishing to appear ignorant, nobody asked the Gloop Maker what he actually was making.
“Coming along nicely,” said the captain as he made his daily rounds. “Any idea precisely when it will be –ah– ready?”
“Oh yes,” said the man. “At 1400 hours on July 15 we shall sail through the center of the Bermuda Triangle. That’s when it’ll be ready, and I’d like the crew assembled on deck at that hour, if you please, sir.”
And so, the great day dawned, the men assembled and the Gloop Maker put down his hammer and chisel. Proudly he stood back and indicated that the block and tackle should be lowered onto his masterpiece, whose copper and silver curlicues gleamed in the sun. Carefully he directed it to be lifted from the deck and swung round until it hung over the sea at the ship’s stern.
“Ready, steady, go!” he cried, and he cut it free. And, as it fell into the deep blue waters of the Atlantic, it went, . . . “GLOOP!”
A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me... Are you at the club?' MAN: 'Yes' WOMAN: 'I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.' WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2020 Models. I saw one I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '$98,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking for $980,000/-.' MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!' MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open The man turns and asks "Anybody knows whose phone this is?"
At school, when little Johny sees little Suzy he asks her if she'll climb the flag pole. When she tells him "No", he offers her $1 to climb it. She says "Yes". That night she tells her mother how she made $1 today by climbing the flag pole for little Johny. Her mother tells her not to do it again because all little Johny wants to do is see her underwear. Next day same thing happens. But when little Johny asks her to climb it for $1 and she says "No", he offers her $2 and she says "Yes". Again, she tells her mother this time how she made $2 climbing the flag pole. Her mother yells at her and tells her not to do it again because all little Johny wants to do is see her underwear. Next day same thing happens. But when little Johny offers her $1 to climb it and she says "No", he offers her $2 again but she still says "No". This time he offers her $5 and she says "Yes". Again, she tells her mother this time how she made $5 climbing the flag pole. "That's it!" Her mother yells at her and tells her and now she's in big trouble. She says, "wait, mommy this time I tricked him". Her mother asks her how and she tells her, "I didn't wear any underwear this time!"